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The First E-mail Of Paul To The Romans

by John Carney

From: paul0426@tarsus.com (Paul, A Servant Of Jesus Christ) To: allusers@rome.org CC: s_peter@jol.com (Judaea Online) Attachments: none Subject: general teaching Also posted to Usenet newsgroup alt.religion.heresy

Even using my off-line mail reader (Papyrus 6.2) the on-line and disk space charges on my local dial-up Internet provider are outlandish, so I'll have to keep this short. :) IMHO, the wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness of men. }:> U, therefore, have no excuse to pass judgment. God will judge all. BTW, Jews have no right to boast simply because of our ancestry. Circumcision :( is meaningful only if it is inward -- otherwise, BFD. Similarly, IBM owners have no right to boast simply because of the customer support they receive. In Him we are neither IBM nor Gateway, Tandy nor Compaq. None of us is righteous. As King David wrote:

KD> There is no one righteous, not even one; KD> There is no one who understands, no one who seeks KD> God, no one who has not illegally copied his KD> favorite game program for a friend.

But Abraham believed God, and so God credited it to him as *virtual* righteousness. But does this mean we should sin all we want? No way! We must live through the spirit. The law kills O-|-< but the spirit gives life. Offer yourselves as living sacrifices to God. Submit to the authority of your sysop and your Usenet newsgroup moderator. Pay for shareware if you decide to keep using it. And don't flame somebody for making a spelling error or failing to read the FAQ list. Nothing is unclean to God, but if something is going to cause your fellow Christian to sin, delete it from your hard drive. Watch out for those R- and X-rated .GIF files. I'm hoping to visit Rome later this year; save me a space on the couch. CUL8er. :) XXX Papyrus 6.2 XXX Unregistered Test Drive Version XXX {RAH}

-------------- John Carney is a staff writer for the _Shelbyville_ (Tenn., USA) _Times-Gazette_ and an occasional contributor to _The Door_, a magazine of religious satire and commentary.

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs" ... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

A vampire bat came flapping in for the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me" he said and flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that giant oak over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES" all the other bats SCREAMED in a frenzy.

"Good" said the first bat, "because I fuckin didn't!"

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."

The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.

The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any duck feed?"

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky, wench." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky, you ugly bitch." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now so I don't have to see that disgustingly hideous face of yours any more!"

Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard."

The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Wisconsin for $200. They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wisconsin?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home? The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."